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A Transcript of the new answering service recently installed at
the **************** Institute for Mental Health.
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline ... To help us to help you Please choose an option from the following menu.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. for our conference call facility
If you are paranoid, we were expecting your call.and have been watching you through your television. We already know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your current location.and send round the white van
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.or press the star key twice to be beamed straight up
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Yes that one
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.anyway. Are you still there?
If you have a sexual disorder please phone ‘Nurse’ on 09745 123456 calls cost £3.00 per second and last all day if you like
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. No that was 9696969696969
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. STOP THAT AT ONCE
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. Listen I said your dog’s name, your Mother’s address, my phone number, your lottery numbers and your inside leg measurement. Oh for goodness sake just press 103
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. Your telephone will now self destruct in 30 seconds, 29, 28, 27....
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep.or during the beep or after the beep Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 8
If you have short-term memory loss, press 7.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 6.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are much too busy to talk to you!!!
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